(904): I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone’s DNA that’s in me
What’s your phone #?
Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned “anti-cards”, or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a “break-up” card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML
Sounds like you did read the signs
(via fuckyeahtattoos)
holy smokes. I take a cap in the head for you
Charm lost is rarely regained.
(via lickystickypickyme)
can you imagine hearing that she pulls down your pants
(864): I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I’m all for this. I get tired of finding my dealer OD on his own shit
Today, I had to go into my 14-year old daughter’s room to get her laundry. The door was open, so I walked right in. She didn’t notice me enter; she was too busy taking nude pictures of herself in front of the full-length mirror. FML
btw, are you sure you meant to post them on the web?
Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML
I love the smell of cherry. * sniffs finger *
Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML
get used to it. it usually lasts about as long as a blink of the eye so its pretty much like passing out.
(571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
(703): this can’t be going anywhere good
(571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could “punish her pussy”? =\
I’m guessing you better run. The cops are a looking for you now
